I’d get a caulk gun to fill in the cracks where the baseboards join the floor, and between the countertop and cabinets, through which I’m sure I’ll slide to emerge into a place where physics is different, time moves in some strange direction, and nothing we’re sure of holds, but it’s early and the hardware store isn’t open yet.
Thanks George. Alive and well in Portugal. From the other comments on your posts, I see your candour is really helping some people, too. Not only are you not alone, you are making a difference. And your writing is riveting.
Lovely essay. I also have psychosis with my bipolar disorder and it's hard to explain to someone that they need to look- REALLY look at the back of my head to make sure my hair isn't falling out. Because I know I'm not balding but I'm CERTAIN that I'm balding. I imagine it's annoying for my husband to show me the meat thermometer so that I won't think my food is undercooked or unfit for consumption. It causes such cognitive dissonance in me to see proof that my food is okay to eat because I KNOW it is not. But I also made vows and one of mine is to be honest about my symptoms. Not everyone has that opportunity- and it does take work and patience from everyone. I'm glad that you have support and wish you the best in solidarity at getting through this episode with your life intact.
Thanks Amelia. Sounds like we both have people to talk us down when it all gets too crazy. I know I challenge my wife in ways she shouldn't have to bear, but so far, and it's been years, she's hanging in there. And I bet your hair is beautiful and dinner tastes great.
This is probably more relevant to your prior essay, but: the pressure to be cheery, to be "professional," to be glass-half-full -- it's relentless, even insidious. And it's not just while at work. It's everywhere. If I thought I could go out of my house and respond to anyone's query of "How ya doin'?" with, "Awful, scared, angry- and you?" -- well, I might then get out of bed, get off the couch, turn off the TV, go out into the world. It would be so much safer, and be so much less lonely. And it's not as if I haven't tried doing this. But being honest, even just a little bit -- is met with rejection, or just as bad, rejection accompanied by invalidation of everything you know to be true.
Again, I know my experience may not be directly related to what you've expressed. I respond with what your essays bring out, in me.
Janet, please use this forum to express yourself. Even what you think is off topic should be said. This may ring hollow as we've only shared a brief correspondence, but you have inherent worth. Be secure in that and live by your own terms. It takes a lot of courage, and I don't always have it, but it's how we carve out a life worth living.
Thank you, for that. I know you're in pain and I don't ever want to increase it by seemingly contradicting, or invalidating, it in any way.
It does take courage, and it's tiring. People say that if you live your life "out loud," you will attract like-minded people, and find your tribe. It has not worked that way for me. And I'm not sure, at this point, which is more exhausting -- living by my own terms and enduring the resultant rejection, or pretending to go along with the crowd.
Thanks Janet, Know your self-worth, however you choose to, or must, live your life. Peer groups are out there and may help, and if one doesn’t, it’s not your failure. Try another. And don’t ever give up. You make a lot of sense. Keep sharing in ways that are safe for you.
Thank you for continuing to share your experience. I'm so sorry you are going through all the pain, yet again. I am glad you are resolved to keep your promises to your family, despite your understandable feelings of wanting to check out. I want to check out, too, and I don't have any promises to keep.
Many of us, including me, are going through a lot right now, even if it's not exactly the same as what you are going through. When I read your writings, I feel less alone. I do have your book. Unfortunately it's one of the things I started and never finished, along with many other books I've bought in the last year. I am afraid to be alone with my thoughts, because there is only pain and fear, there. Do know that your writings help others, for what that's worth.
Thanks George. Alive and well in Portugal. From the other comments on your posts, I see your candour is really helping some people, too. Not only are you not alone, you are making a difference. And your writing is riveting.
George, I am reading your every word, and feeling you with every line. I promise to keep reading. If it helps to just know that.
Thanks Tim, I'm trying to document an episode real time. Not sure it's helping, but knowing you're reading it does. I sincerely hope you're well.
Lovely essay. I also have psychosis with my bipolar disorder and it's hard to explain to someone that they need to look- REALLY look at the back of my head to make sure my hair isn't falling out. Because I know I'm not balding but I'm CERTAIN that I'm balding. I imagine it's annoying for my husband to show me the meat thermometer so that I won't think my food is undercooked or unfit for consumption. It causes such cognitive dissonance in me to see proof that my food is okay to eat because I KNOW it is not. But I also made vows and one of mine is to be honest about my symptoms. Not everyone has that opportunity- and it does take work and patience from everyone. I'm glad that you have support and wish you the best in solidarity at getting through this episode with your life intact.
Thanks Amelia. Sounds like we both have people to talk us down when it all gets too crazy. I know I challenge my wife in ways she shouldn't have to bear, but so far, and it's been years, she's hanging in there. And I bet your hair is beautiful and dinner tastes great.
People like us are lucky to have spouses like them.
Absolutely
This is probably more relevant to your prior essay, but: the pressure to be cheery, to be "professional," to be glass-half-full -- it's relentless, even insidious. And it's not just while at work. It's everywhere. If I thought I could go out of my house and respond to anyone's query of "How ya doin'?" with, "Awful, scared, angry- and you?" -- well, I might then get out of bed, get off the couch, turn off the TV, go out into the world. It would be so much safer, and be so much less lonely. And it's not as if I haven't tried doing this. But being honest, even just a little bit -- is met with rejection, or just as bad, rejection accompanied by invalidation of everything you know to be true.
Again, I know my experience may not be directly related to what you've expressed. I respond with what your essays bring out, in me.
Janet, please use this forum to express yourself. Even what you think is off topic should be said. This may ring hollow as we've only shared a brief correspondence, but you have inherent worth. Be secure in that and live by your own terms. It takes a lot of courage, and I don't always have it, but it's how we carve out a life worth living.
Thank you, for that. I know you're in pain and I don't ever want to increase it by seemingly contradicting, or invalidating, it in any way.
It does take courage, and it's tiring. People say that if you live your life "out loud," you will attract like-minded people, and find your tribe. It has not worked that way for me. And I'm not sure, at this point, which is more exhausting -- living by my own terms and enduring the resultant rejection, or pretending to go along with the crowd.
Thanks Janet, Know your self-worth, however you choose to, or must, live your life. Peer groups are out there and may help, and if one doesn’t, it’s not your failure. Try another. And don’t ever give up. You make a lot of sense. Keep sharing in ways that are safe for you.
Thank you for continuing to share your experience. I'm so sorry you are going through all the pain, yet again. I am glad you are resolved to keep your promises to your family, despite your understandable feelings of wanting to check out. I want to check out, too, and I don't have any promises to keep.
Many of us, including me, are going through a lot right now, even if it's not exactly the same as what you are going through. When I read your writings, I feel less alone. I do have your book. Unfortunately it's one of the things I started and never finished, along with many other books I've bought in the last year. I am afraid to be alone with my thoughts, because there is only pain and fear, there. Do know that your writings help others, for what that's worth.