I lost another job. I’d been at it for over a year. I was a sales lead at a large retailer and the company had a major reorganization, eliminated my position, and I was gone. Now I’m 60, unemployed, and rattled by a simmering mixed episode of mania and depression that leaves me frustrated, furious, fractured, worse yet, falling backward on my insistence that I am not defined by bipolar disorder. Backward, from the healing language of
I had occasion to visit a local outdoor/sporting goods store, the other day, as I had been referred there for running shoes. I was chatting with the extremely nice salesperson. (I was in the store a very long time, because I am hard to fit. and have a lot of chronic pain.) I mentioned I knew of someone who used to work there. He quickly opened up to me, and said that a number of people had been laid off in an extremely cruel and unfair manner, and that it was a reflection of the poor upper management or ownership or something like that. He was very sincere and went into detail about how they should have done things differently, and that it wasn't about targeting any of the employees for personal or job performance reasons. (The salesman and I went on to discuss a lot of other cases of poor management, that we both related to -- such as that of local houses of worship of our shared religion. So I don't want you to think that it was any kind of obvious conversation about you personally-- we talked about many things.) I am sharing this because I thought it might give you some reassurance about the reason you were laid off.... but obviously you would know more than me, about the situation.
George, as always, your writing rings with vivid emotional reality and hard truths. Hard truths, and yet you share them, like gifts, with your readers. For some, your honesty may be a lifeline, a way to hang on and pull themselves along…even as you strive to do so yourself. You have such a courageous and generous spirit my friend.
In addition (please read my comments in chronological order), I have lost jobs and promotions for speaking up about sexual harassment in my workplaces. My performance was typically excellent. When I was younger I did not recognize sexual harassment for what it was -- it was just part of every job and everyday life. Now that I do recognize it, the punishment for speaking out (on the rare occasions when I did) was severe, and threatening. Even now, in my 60's, there is still nothing I can do about this completely unfair ubiquitous situation that affects my livelihood -- short of changing my name, my voice, and dressing as if I were a man. After all the decades of experiencing this, I do still get surprised by it when it happens, and I get thrown into anguish. It has severely affected my ability to function and to feel safe, anywhere. This will not change, in my lifetime. The work world is definitely not fair. I hate to say to lower your expectations, as I know it seems counter-intuitive when you are a skilled person in your field. Again, it's not fair. And it takes steady reminders, to lower our expectations. And it's kind of sad. But better than the alternative.... ?
One more thing. Your outspokenness on mental health has set a wonderful example for your daughter. I realize there is some scary temper in front of the family, that goes along with the illness. It's also true that you have tried to make the world a better place, for people who often face unfair discrimination. And you have done so even at some cost to yourself. That is a beautiful example of courage. Your daughter will appreciate your courage and the sacrifices you have made, when she enters the work world.
I realize you are suffering from this recent job loss -- that it's scary, upsetting, destabilizing and even feels humiliating. Also, deep down, you know that publicizing your mental illness HAS helped people, and has helped you. It was a tradeoff; there were absolutely benefits to doing it. I get why you're now questioning that choice... and how enraging it is that the internet follows us, everywhere. It's even enraging that people even bother to Google us, instead of basing their impression on how they experience us, in real life. The one thing you shouldnt do is to beat yourself up (on top of everything else you're suffering), for having chosen the tradeoff. It was a perfectly reasonable decision, and there were rewards from it. Whether or not it was "worth it in the end" -- well, none of us know when "in the end" will BE. We can only make the best decisions we can, at the time.
I know that the pattern of your job history has been affected by your illness. With this particular (latest) job, there is still the fact that you were not the only one was fired -- you don't know for sure that it was because of your history -- you may NEVER know. Again, you are already suffering. Dont torture yourself with a hypothesis.
A friend of mine, an extremely dedicated & hard worker her whole life, was laid off SEVEN times from sales jobs. She is about your age and cannot currently get a job. She used to make 6 figures and drive a Jaguar. She is now sharing an apt with her ex-husband. She does not have any history of mental illness. She was also constantly sexually harassed at all her sales jobs. I cant think of one job I've ever had, myself -- EVER -- where I havent been sexually harassed. This is a large part of why I stay an independent contractor. I miss the camaraderie, stability & benefits of having a "regular" job, but there is a different kind of security that comes with knowing I can walk out and not return to a location where there are problems. There's a "security" in knowing that when I'm hired for a gig, the company just wants a warm body there. It's way below my education level, and yes, I'm embarrassed by my underachievement. Working in certain environments and living where I do, my intellect has suffered -- my vocabulary, my attention span, etc. I get angry at myself, all the time. I also know that, whatever mistakes I've made and regrets that I have, that I don't deserve the self-flagellation. It's not fair to be fired for no reason; it's also not fair to blame myself for everything. (You know I blame you for other things, like whom you voted for! -- but not for this.)
I had occasion to visit a local outdoor/sporting goods store, the other day, as I had been referred there for running shoes. I was chatting with the extremely nice salesperson. (I was in the store a very long time, because I am hard to fit. and have a lot of chronic pain.) I mentioned I knew of someone who used to work there. He quickly opened up to me, and said that a number of people had been laid off in an extremely cruel and unfair manner, and that it was a reflection of the poor upper management or ownership or something like that. He was very sincere and went into detail about how they should have done things differently, and that it wasn't about targeting any of the employees for personal or job performance reasons. (The salesman and I went on to discuss a lot of other cases of poor management, that we both related to -- such as that of local houses of worship of our shared religion. So I don't want you to think that it was any kind of obvious conversation about you personally-- we talked about many things.) I am sharing this because I thought it might give you some reassurance about the reason you were laid off.... but obviously you would know more than me, about the situation.
George, as always, your writing rings with vivid emotional reality and hard truths. Hard truths, and yet you share them, like gifts, with your readers. For some, your honesty may be a lifeline, a way to hang on and pull themselves along…even as you strive to do so yourself. You have such a courageous and generous spirit my friend.
Thank you Tim
In addition (please read my comments in chronological order), I have lost jobs and promotions for speaking up about sexual harassment in my workplaces. My performance was typically excellent. When I was younger I did not recognize sexual harassment for what it was -- it was just part of every job and everyday life. Now that I do recognize it, the punishment for speaking out (on the rare occasions when I did) was severe, and threatening. Even now, in my 60's, there is still nothing I can do about this completely unfair ubiquitous situation that affects my livelihood -- short of changing my name, my voice, and dressing as if I were a man. After all the decades of experiencing this, I do still get surprised by it when it happens, and I get thrown into anguish. It has severely affected my ability to function and to feel safe, anywhere. This will not change, in my lifetime. The work world is definitely not fair. I hate to say to lower your expectations, as I know it seems counter-intuitive when you are a skilled person in your field. Again, it's not fair. And it takes steady reminders, to lower our expectations. And it's kind of sad. But better than the alternative.... ?
Thanks Barbara
One more thing. Your outspokenness on mental health has set a wonderful example for your daughter. I realize there is some scary temper in front of the family, that goes along with the illness. It's also true that you have tried to make the world a better place, for people who often face unfair discrimination. And you have done so even at some cost to yourself. That is a beautiful example of courage. Your daughter will appreciate your courage and the sacrifices you have made, when she enters the work world.
Thank you so much.
I realize you are suffering from this recent job loss -- that it's scary, upsetting, destabilizing and even feels humiliating. Also, deep down, you know that publicizing your mental illness HAS helped people, and has helped you. It was a tradeoff; there were absolutely benefits to doing it. I get why you're now questioning that choice... and how enraging it is that the internet follows us, everywhere. It's even enraging that people even bother to Google us, instead of basing their impression on how they experience us, in real life. The one thing you shouldnt do is to beat yourself up (on top of everything else you're suffering), for having chosen the tradeoff. It was a perfectly reasonable decision, and there were rewards from it. Whether or not it was "worth it in the end" -- well, none of us know when "in the end" will BE. We can only make the best decisions we can, at the time.
I know that the pattern of your job history has been affected by your illness. With this particular (latest) job, there is still the fact that you were not the only one was fired -- you don't know for sure that it was because of your history -- you may NEVER know. Again, you are already suffering. Dont torture yourself with a hypothesis.
A friend of mine, an extremely dedicated & hard worker her whole life, was laid off SEVEN times from sales jobs. She is about your age and cannot currently get a job. She used to make 6 figures and drive a Jaguar. She is now sharing an apt with her ex-husband. She does not have any history of mental illness. She was also constantly sexually harassed at all her sales jobs. I cant think of one job I've ever had, myself -- EVER -- where I havent been sexually harassed. This is a large part of why I stay an independent contractor. I miss the camaraderie, stability & benefits of having a "regular" job, but there is a different kind of security that comes with knowing I can walk out and not return to a location where there are problems. There's a "security" in knowing that when I'm hired for a gig, the company just wants a warm body there. It's way below my education level, and yes, I'm embarrassed by my underachievement. Working in certain environments and living where I do, my intellect has suffered -- my vocabulary, my attention span, etc. I get angry at myself, all the time. I also know that, whatever mistakes I've made and regrets that I have, that I don't deserve the self-flagellation. It's not fair to be fired for no reason; it's also not fair to blame myself for everything. (You know I blame you for other things, like whom you voted for! -- but not for this.)
Barbara