Setting Our Children Up for Failure

As a parent with bipolar disorder I’m probably too focused on my daughter’s mental health. Instead of simply helping her and allowing her to navigate her moods I’m hyper-vigilant - concerned that every sad day followed by an exuberant, joyous exploration is a sign of pathology rather than normal 10-year-old behavior.

It’s a fact that a child of a parent with a mood disorder is nine times more likely than a child of a mentally healthy parent to develop a similar mood disorder. But that risk is still incredibly small. In preparing our children for positive mental health we, as parents with challenges, need to focus more on environmental threats and less on biological possibilities. Because right now, the environmental threats are huge.

We just commemorated the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, an event that forever changed our concepts of community and positive mental health. Following a brief moment of unity we birthed a culture of restricted liberty, nonexistent privacy and conspiracy theories that profoundly shapes our lives today. Children of the early 2000s came of age in a world of unseen threats and insecure futures.

That disruption is eclipsed by our experience in the last two years which will surely have profound negative effects on our children’s mental health.

In school, which has always been a safe place of reinforcing cultural ideas that keep communities bound and rooted, and now can’t even be counted on to remain open, our children are taught that physical intimacy such as hugging and holding hands is dangerous and that nonverbal communication such as facial expressions is to be hidden behind masks. We teach kids that their parents and the world they’ve created are racist (we’re white) not because of any inhibitory or discriminatory personal actions but merely because of the color of their skin. We elevate victims over heroes. We celebrate enforced equity over effort. And we place under siege the Judeo-Christian culture which gave the world representative democracy, free speech, human rights, material wealth, the scientific method and the moral equivalence of every individual and replace it with a secular faith that is unforgiving of transgressions and intolerant of curiosity, critical thinking and reasoned opposition.

We lecture children about the impossibility of a successful life in a world which lacks opportunity and scare them with the doom of climate change, instead of celebrating a world in which creative people and entrepreneurs will seize the day, and the rightly earned rewards, and develop solutions to our seemingly intransigent problems. Instead of fostering the reality of human potential we preach a world of scarcity and failure that can only lead a developing mind to declare “why bother?”

How can we expect well-adjusted children to come out of this? How can we stifle centuries of possibility and cooperation and end up with anything but a generation befallen by mood disorders? When our national mood is negative and insists the future can only be bleak how can we convince our children that life is worth living at all?

Perhaps my daughter’s generation will rebel and discover faith and capitalism as radical ideas to be explored, studied and implemented. Since so many of the influencers who rail against these ideas insist these concepts are evil and that they are the enlightened and the true arbiters of culture, perhaps a restless, questioning generation will discover tolerance and hard-work and reject the present culturally enforced march toward mediocrity and lack of self-responsibility.

Or perhaps we will inspire mental illness and then normalize it as a reasonable response to a dismal future.

My wife and I have the advantage of recognizing early symptoms of mental illness that may appear in our child, and the knowledge of how to deal with them should they occur. But the society that our daughter now finds herself a part of, the away from the family institutions that influence her and squash her independence, work against us.

I’m still an optimist. I have to be. And I will do whatever I can to instill in my child the esteem of responsibility and effort, the idea that in order to make a good life she has to try. The reality that circumstances may work against her, but the promise that she can overcome setbacks and is largely responsible for most of the good, and bad, things that happen to her.

This is what I have learned after years of suffering with bipolar disorder and now years of successfully managing it. Oh, that this crazy world learns from its own insanity.

Handling Anxiety in a Time of Crisis

When my book about dealing with anxiety in the pandemic was published I had no idea its shelf-life would be this long. If you or a loved one are struggling and seeking ways to cope with the unique challenges that face us today, please have a look at the book here. If you choose to purchase a copy and support my work, or if you have already done so, thank you.